Posts Tagged ‘ emails to famous people ’

My email to Kyle Sandilands [VINTAGE HAUGHT]

Today the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) said Kyle Sandilands’ November on-air ejaculation of bile was a little bit bad but mostly fine.

No idea which of the many many on-air Sandilands rants I’m talking about? Here’s a recap:

Last year about 1.7 million people said Kyle Sandilands’ new TV project was shit. A few of them said it publicly. One of these people was a journalist by the name of Alison Stephenson. Being a female weighing more than 50kg, Alison deeply offended Kyle. So Kyle decided to hit back.

I think ACMA took the soft option, because they knew I’d taken the hard option and Kyle had thus already served his penance. Here’s the email I sent to Kyle (via Austereo) at the end of last year:

Dear Austereo,

I’m writing to Kyle Sandilands, care of you, to see whether he might do me the great honour of abusing me over the air.

I am not a journalist, am not overweight, do not have any titty (to speak of), have never listened to his programme or any of its derivatives and, to be honest, if I was asked to point him out in a line-up of half a dozen other bearded, corpulent forty-to-fifty-year-olds with twenty-to-thirty-year-old-people’s hairstyles and the faint hint of minor chromosomal abnormality about their face, I would struggle.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him in the street, as the saying goes – I think I could do that. (Of course, that’s not saying very much because if I did bump into him in the street he’d undoubtedly burst into that inimitable high-pitched, nasal, the-world-owes-me-something-and-it’s-not-a-small-debt-like-a-missed-credit-card-payment-or-a-car-loan-but-more-like-what-Greece-Ireland-Spain-and-Italy-owe-combined drone, interspersing profanity with un-ironical references to the idiom of Valley Girls and 1990s black America. Then I’d know it was him straight away, even if I had been vacillating before he opened his unfortunately-toothed mouth.) That is to say I’m not a fan.

But when I say I’m not a fan, I just mean that I’m not across his entire ouvre. The section that I am familiar with I find not entirely disagreeable. For instance, there’s something profoundly heart-warming – hot-water-bottle-on-a-very-cold-night warm – about seeing News Limited get a little bit of inane, nonsensically personal, gutlessly targeted, outrageously hypocritical drivel sent back in their own direction from a D-grade media outlet. It’s like standing behind perspex and watching one repulsive, unctuous creature (let’s say a massive leech) violently attack another member of an equally repugnant species (let’s say, cane toads) – there’s no downside; it’s just wonderful theatre.

In any case, I want to be called fat in three or four different ways despite the fact I’m at least thirty kilos lighter than my attacker; I want my dress sense torn to shreds by a man who wears a tie and jeans at the same time; I want my vocation belittled by a person who gets paid millions of dollars to just shout the first thing that comes into his talent-free head; I want to be implicated in a paranoid delusion; I want to be told I am a mere rabbit in the eyes of the Sandilands falcon.

I know you’re currently “assessing internal systems and process” (and by the way, can I just say I bloody love it when companies really take their corporate social responsibility seriously and go hard on those bastard internal processes), so it doesn’t have to be anything more time-consuming than scrawling it down at the bottom of an existing list:

  •         Employ Kyle Sandilands – RETAIN PROCESS / REVISE PROCESS
  •         Employ vacuous, craven ditz as Sandilands’ foil – RETAIN PROCESS / REVISE PROCESS
  •         Austero executives must exhibit psychopathic/sociopathic tendencies  – RETAIN POLICY / REVISE POLICY
  •         Serve full Devonshire Tea at morning meetings – RETAIN PROCESS / REVISE PROCESS
  •         Get Sandilands to abuse smart-alec nerd on air – ACCEPT PROCESS /DECLINE PROCESS

It would be like a value-added. I don’t know what that means, but you do, and you know it’s fucking great, going forward.

Just FYI (as the kiddies say these day), I sent a very similar request to Gasp Jeans a few months ago and never received a reply, so I’m kind of becoming desperate. I think my last email may have been too heavy on the sarcasm, which I know some people consider the lowest form of wit (we both know there are lower forms of wit, though, don’t we?). So I’ve taken a more straightforward tack with this version. Except for the bit where I called you D-grade – that’s preposterous; obviously you’ll never make it that high.

Anyway, even if, in an upcoming show, Mr Sandilands could simply deride the prolix nature of this email or reel my name off in a list of people he wants to bash, that would be beaut.

Also, if those blasted hippies and pinkos kick up a stink afterwards, I’d really appreciate it if his apology to me was more offensive than the original attack and was grammatically all over the shop.

I hope this email finds you well, (or, as Kyle would say “Fuck off and eat a fat one, sister, and you’re fat and I hate you and you’re a fatty and I question your choice of shoes, you piece of shit!” (LOL! The guy is brilliant.))

With the utmost fondness,

Jonathan Rivett

PS: What does the “tereo” in Austereo refer to?

No reply.

Haught fact of the day:

Ben Polis served as Kyle Sandilands’ apprentice for eight years before going it alone and forging his own career as a bigot.

My email to Ben Polis

Yesterday, the Melbourne Football Club, as well as the Melbourne Victory Football Club and the Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union Club dumped Energy Watch as their sponsors after the co-founder and CEO of the company, Ben Polis, was found to have made a series of offensive comments on his Facebook page.

I like writing emails to people like Ben, as they are often misunderstood and I am very good at looking at things from a different perspective. Here’s one I wrote a little while ago:

Dear Ben,

I am writing this email to you tod

I am white and male.

I am writing this email to you today both to lend my support at this difficult time and (I hope this doesn’t sound opportunistic) to propose a business deal.

I feel that the way you have been treated has been nothing short of disgraceful! (Is it OK if I put exclamation marks at the end of my sentences? I know you have ADHD and I know rambunctious punctuation can set a person with ADHD off, so I thought I’d check.)

We seem to live in a nanny state where freedom of speech is frowned upon in the same way that soap might be at a brown person’s home/adobe hut/teepee. You have done nothing more than say what 99% of us are thinking (closer to 132% in Queensland) and for that you are lambasted and labelled a bigot and a racist and a grub and a fuckwit and rodent with mange and a moronic dweeb and a small-minded cock and a loathsome mouse-dog and a man whose minuscule brain surely matches his minuscule penis and a repellent maggot and a rosy-faced cretin and a small, podgy dipshit and an angry little gerbil and Jake King’s long lost identical twin and a dead carp’s slowly disintegrating prolapsed anus and an unctuous, ulcerous semi-human and probably some other things.

For simply speaking the truth you are chopped down, as all tall poppies are in this country of class envy and progressive taxation.

What a joke! (Hope that exclamation mark didn’t send you into silly antics like Curly from The Three Stooges.)

What annoys me most of all is that upon being labelled a racist, you immediately refuted the claim and provided incontrovertible evidence of the opposite being true. Why wasn’t that the end of it? I too have Oriental help and, like you, am very fond of them. I like to give them a little slap on the buttocks as they clean my bidet in the home cinema and sometimes bow to them as they’re leaving for the day and say “ah so” as a show of cultural solidarity. I also found Mickey Rooney’s turn as Mr Fukkamoto (or whatever his name was) in Breakfast at Tiffany’s exceptionally funny, not because he ridicules Chinese/Japanese people, turning them into a preposterous caricature, but because he inhabits the role and brings out the inherent humanity of those two races. Why couldn’t people accept your affection for Asians on face value and move on? (Maybe next time mention Mickey Rooney.)

And the same for your comments on indigenes. You implied that they were savages and infested with fungal diseases, then said you had no beef with them. Case closed. What do they want? A formal apology? Again?

And, as you so eloquently put it, your comments aren’t discriminatory because they’re totally indiscriminate. You had a playful little dig at all the races, including negroids, Israelites and the car bomb ones. What do the PC Brigade want – a law that says you can only make fun of good honest Christian carrion eaters like Margaret Court?

As for claims that you are a tiprat, I say embrace them. A tiprat is one of nature’s great entrepreneurs, unafraid to get their paws dirty and, contrary to popular belief actually very clean animals (putting aside the Bubonic Plague). You are a tiprat, good sir. Ben Polis the Tiprat – wear that epithet as a badge of honour.

Now to my business proposal.

Are you familiar with the Hero-gram? It often becomes popular around the time of big events like the Olympics, the World Cup and the Aryan Purity Games and allows young whipper-snappers to send messages of support to their sporting heroes. My concept takes that idea and turns it around and shakes it vigorously and kills a dog and makes it better than the original concept. I call it Zero-grams. It gives people a chance to send messages not to heroes, but to losers and nobodies and foreigners. So, for instance, if you’re cut off in traffic by an Asian woman, instead of getting angry, you just open up the Zero-gram app on your phone (while you’re still driving, if you like – this isn’t Communist Russia, after all) type in your message – “You add no value to society apart from insurance premiums” for instance – and then using a series of algorithms and Google privacy short-cuts and maybe some magic or something (I haven’t really got to the ins and outs yet), the app sends that message to your target in the form of a text message.

We could charge 12 cents a character, and wouldn’t have to spend a dollar on advertising – we could just do the Sydney AM radio circuit (apart from the pinkoes at the ABC, obviously). As long as Alan Jones didn’t consider it an infringement of his intellectual property, he would bloody love it.

Once we’re up and running, having learnt from your bitter experience, we would steer clear of the chardonnay socialists and multiculturalist weirdos at the AFL, A-League and Super15s, and go straight to the NRL for jumper sponsorship negotiations. As long as they didn’t consider it an infringement on their intellectual property, they would bloody love it.

As for start-up capital, if you’re now a bit short after the whole becoming a corporate and social pariah thing, I intend to write to Clive Palmer in the not too distant future and will make sure I bring up our scheme.

Ben, sincerely wishing you all the very best in your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

Your friend and brother in (Caucasian) arms,

Jonathan Rivett

Haught fact of the day:

Margaret Court is the only dinosaur known to have made it through to the Cenozoic Era.